Homer Simpson sez: “MMMMM pizza!”

Having a girlfriend rules. Having a girlfriend that buys me merchandise from The Simpsons is damn near garden of Eden. So it was only right to become overtly ecstatic at the joyous occation where I got this precious thingamagic:

The Homer Simpson pizza slicer, what an invention! When you slice the pizza Homer will say stuff like: “The most beautiful word in the English language: PIZZA!”, “When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza-pie – that’s amore!”, “PIZZA, if it tastes good, it must be good for you” and my personal favorite “Pizza meets the requirements of the five food groups – it even counts as a pie!”

Needless to say I cooked up a salami-pizza before noon and we got down to business! Now I just have to figure out how to get these Homer Simpson slippers my friend Morten Spotgun bought himself in Florida. Lucky fugger!

Fona gives hiphoppers the A-HA experience

Now, before I go into my rant, let it be known that ever since Fona gave me a PSP and 5 games for rapping 15 minutes at a company party they’ve been AOK with me. But this simply will not stand. Sometimes, someone has to draw a line somewhere in the sand. This ain’t Nam, it ain’t even The Falklands and I’m not going to take it!

Imagine if you will, the mothers, fathers, uncles, grandparents and significant others in general out there wishing to buy presents for the hiphopper in the family. They get Fona’s ad-mag in the mail, and think, what an easy way to locate the perfect gift for the family black sheep. Naturally they look to the rap section – cheekily titled “rap julemusik”. Here we find 50 Cent, Jokeren, Outlandish, Gorillaz, LOC and… A-HA!?

That’s right, A friggin Ha of Take On Me fame are listed as rap?! Next thing you know Bent Fabric is jungle and Bing Crosby is grime?! I urge all the muthabloggers out there to go to Fona, and voice your complaint, so we can all avoid getting the A-HA Analogue album for X-mas.

To send you off on a pleasant vibe, here’s DJ Yoda’s remix of Take On Me from the How To Cut And Paste The 80’s mixtape!

Letter from Pat Patterson

So a regular day at the office aka the room we’ve put the PC in. I’m checking my mail, nothing special. But then I find I’ve gotten a letter from non other than WWF’s very first Intercontinental Champion Pat Patterson.

Pat Patterson got the IC belt in a tournament held in Rio de Janeiro (actually they didn’t have a tournament, they just told the fans back home that, so they could hand out titles.)

He wrestled some classic matches against the likes of Ted Dibiase and a cage confrontation with Sgt Slaughter. He’s probably most famous though, for being a major force behind the scenes, where he’s worked as Vince Mcmahon‘s right hand man. Well, that and the fact that he’s extremely homosexual, hits on the young wrestlers and has a had a year-long relationship with the Brooklyn Brawler. What’d ol Pat want to talk about? Well as you can tell by this copy of the mail, he’s apparently become a spammer of sorts.

Oh well, we can’t all end our careers on a high-note.

Mr. Perfect sez: “Rap Is Crap”!

Fat Joe said it best once: “Rap is like the WWF”. This might explain why I love both, and can’t wait ’til someone famous says: “Rap and wrestling are like The Simpsons”. As the loyal Hip-Hop, The Simpsons & Wrestling muthabloggers out there might have noticed, wrestlers have used rap-gimmicks for years, so it came as somewhat of a shock when Mr. Perfect aka Curt Hennig flatout stated: “Rap is crap!”

The wrestler not only said this back in 1999, but along with a crew called The West Texas Rednecks (Curt himself was from Minnesota) recorded an entire song dedicated to rap being crappy with such memorable lines as:

“I like country music / I love country girls
I like Willie Nelson / and don’t forget about Merle
There’s only one thing that I hate
Cuz it’s a bunch of crap / I, I, I hate rap!”

Now you may think that an avid rapfan such as myself would have been offended by this song, but bare in mind that wrestling’s all about gimmicks and playing the role as best as you can. Add onto that, that at the time Perfect was fueding with a wrestling fraction called The No Limit soldiers led by Master P no less, and it’s pretty obvious which side I’m on. Yihaaaah! To their credit No Limit luckfully didn’t consist of Mystikal and Mia X getting into action, but skillful Mexican wrestlers such as Konnan and Rey Mysterio, but still, feel free to hate any kind of musical express that ends in what sounds like bowel movement. UUUUGGHHH!

For those of you not familiar with Curt Hennig he’s the son of ring-legend Larry The Axe Hennig, a 350 lbs bull-sized wrestler, known for giving Rowdy Roddy Piper his first match (which lasted all of 13 seconds) and roughing up a young version of The Road Warriors when they refused to sell opponents’ offense. After learning the craft in AWA Curt Hennig traveled to the then WWF, became Mr Perfect, a character known for executing moves with perfect precession, being overtly arrogant and generally a very entertaining technical wrestler.

Even rappers recognized this, for instance I still remember a dude getting Source‘s Unsigned Hype for the line “Grinning like Curt Hennig, when I’m winning”, and aside Last Emperor he’s the only rapper I’ve wanted to check out to simply because of reading his lines. If anyone remembers who it was, please post it here.

Sadly Curt Hennig passed away in 2003 due to a cocaine overdose, an addiction he alledgedly aquired after his many injuries due to high-risk bumps taken in the ring. According to this tribute to Curt “Rap Is Crap” was played at his funeral.

Right-click, DL and listen to the golden country singer-song-writer hit “Rap Is Crap” here!

Let Me Show You Whose Ass Is The Blackest??!!!

”KRS-One specializes in music”…okay! But the last couple of years have made it painstakingly clear that the Blastmaster has an entirely different focus as well – the rear section, the buttocks, the hiney, the pleasure pillow or the good ol’ ass!! In fact so much so that lately he’s made more references to acts involving people’s behinds than he has laid claims to to be Number One (I guess ‘number two’ would be more appropriate).

Back in the Boogie Down Productions days it wasn’t like that. KRS-One would rap on his merry way about the danger of beef, self destruction, white people and wack MC’s. He may have had a little hint at what was to come on BDP’s “We In There”, but it was nowhere near full bloom. When the crew crumbled something weird happened; on each and every guest appearance Kris made, he injected dubious comments about asses. Allow me to demonstrate:

“Pick up the mic or automatic either way I won’t have it / I cover the whole gamit / Mic I’ll rap it leaving with your ass out like a faggot” – Tim Dog feat. KRS-One, “I Get Wreck” (1993)

“Rewind a minute – that ass, let me get way up in it” KRS-One on Funkmaster Flex’s 60 Minute’s Of Funk Mixtape (1995)

“You can’t last, just call me enema, cause I’ll be in that / ass-teroid, heaven to merkatroid” – Chubb Rock feat. KRS-One, “The Mind” (1997)

“Don’t slip with your lip talking shit with your clip / Showing your ass as I blast into it” – Poor Righteous Teachers feat. KRS-One “Conscious Style” (1997)

“Snitch ass, here’s a quick class, I’m the blast master cause I blast and whip ass” Sway & Tech feat. KRS-One “Anthem” (1999)

“I leave that ass sizzling, I’m giving more rhythm than gang-rapes in prison” –DITC feat. KRS-One “Drop It Heavy” (1999)

Now these are by all means great lyrics, but it seems KRS has developed a fairly large anal fetish, and of course it had to rub off on the verses on his solo albums. Here are a few examples:

“Some people may not like KRS-One but they must respect him, cause they know the kid gets all up in they rectum” – KRS-One “MC’s Act Like They Don’t Know ” (KRS-One, 1995)

“Let me show ya whose ass is the blackest“ – KRS-One “MC’s Act Like They Don’t Know ” (KRS-One, 1995)

“Old styles I pass dat, slow down on fast rap / All in yo’ ass crack” – KRS-One “Step Into A World” (I Got Next, 1998)

Wow, conscious Kris sure gets dirty with it. All that’s well and good, we’re all allowed to have our preferences, and hey, just cause he dance the go-go, that don’t make him a homo. it’s just weird then that KRS would actually try to lash out at other people for being into a piece of ass like himself. As he said on Fat Joe’s (ironically nick-named Joey Crack) sophomore album:

“Rap magazine dating back to, Tougher than Leather / The only reason you got, such an extensive rap collection / ‘Cause most of your rap mags are all stuck together” – Fat Joe feat. KRS-One “Bronx Tale” (Jealous One’s Envy, 1995)

The song is fittingly titled, I might add, since KRS from the sound of it has never passed on a Bronx Tail himself. But seeing as he’s apparently anti-masturbation, it’s a puzzle what the master actually blasts in real life?!

I guess there’s no real conclusion to this piece, other than the fact KRS may not be in favor of neither sex nor violence, but will beat up some ass quicker than you can say “PM Dawn!”.

PS: This article is in no way an attempt to bash homosexuals, it’s okay to be gay! It is, however, intended to poke fun at the fact that certain people who make anti-gay comments on a regular basis seem rather preoccupied with male asses themselves.

The Long Awaited Update! Kool Keith comes to town!

I can’t believe it’s been this long. Borat hosted the MTV Europe Awards, The Simpsons ran a full episode of Bart in 8 Mile-mode and wrestling’s just getting crazier than Ultimate Warrior by the event.

Never the less the only real update I have for y’all is that I’ve finally gotten my Kool Keith autograph back!!! Some of you may recall the autograph I got back when I was like seventeen has long since vanished along with my Dr Octagon Mo Wax original. But fret not muthabloggers cause if there’s one thing that’s for certain, it’s that when rappers run out of hits, they come running to Copenhagen.

As was the case with Keith. I was set to write a review of the concert and possibly do an interview with him. As far as the review, that went all good (read it here if you’re up on Danish), but as usual when it’s big name artists (Angermanagement Tour, Nas, KRS-One etc.) the interview for various reasons didn’t happen. Never-the-less after the concert finished I ran across the stage and saw Keith still hanging out with the blondie he caught during the “where all the lovely ladies at?”-segment of the show. He signed the Masters of Illusion album (which is now complete) posed for a picture, and even complimented my “Greatest Wrestling Stars Of The 80’s”-T-shirt. What a man, wooo!

Anyways, there’ll be more updates of the blog during the weekend, and I’m even contemplating getting a domain for it, so I can host music, film and such!